Eleven Thirty And A Toe That's Hurty

Why, WHY, WHY am I blogging at 11:30 at night, when I should be sawing logs in the comfort of my bed? Because I am a mom with a child who has a hurty toe. The hurty toe is sooooo hurty that my child cannot keep her leg still for more than ten seconds. The hurty toe is sooooo hurty that it is making her legs hurt. I know that the hurty toe is not a figment of this child's imagination because it is very swollen and red. But WHAT, pray tell, is wrong with the hurty toe?

I wish to the good Lord above I knew. I have been holding an ice pack on it, scratching it when it itches every other minute, and being kicked when the pain is too bad to keep still. I have been doing these things since 8 pm. Why didn't the toe hurt during day light hours? It has been red and swollen for two days now and it only hurts at night. Is this some kind of sick joke? Is this God's way of getting me back for some wrong doing? If so, let me know now so I can drive to the nearest confessional booth and repent. At this point there is no sign of the pain easing up and typing with one hand while scratching the hurty toe is neither easy nor fun.

So why the hell am I blogging while nursing the hurty toe? Because I am feeling very sympathetic, that's why. This post is for all you moms out there who sit up at night nursing feverish babies, nightmare plagued toddlers and hurty toed children. I sit on the couch, watching Daddy Day Care for the billionth time and praying that God takes her pain and gives it to me. It makes me think of the countless mothers who are forced to watch their children suffer from much more serious things than a simple hurty toe.

God bless all of you who watch your children suffer from cancer, leukemia and other horrible illnesses. For those of you who lose many nights of rest, because you are afraid to fall asleep and miss your child's last moments of life. For those who pray to God that he take away your baby's illness in exchange for your own health. For those who feel helpless to be able to help your child get some relief. I salute you. I pray for you. I am thinking of you tonight as I try and ease my own child's pain, to no avail. What a completely mind boggling feeling it is to sit and watch your child suffer. I pray that if my own kids ever experience a serious illness or disease, that God gives me the strength to stay calm, be positive and trust Him. It is only a toe and yet...I'm ready to go chop off my own and do a home toe transplant, just so that I get can get a few winks in before the sun rises.

Why You Should Never Let Your Alter Ego Near Your Blog

Hmmmm...I realize that my last post was a little er...abrasive and self inflated. You must forgive my alter ego. She can get ugly sometimes. Apparently she figured out the password I put on the blog to keep her out. Dammit. I hate it that we share a brain!

Let my better half rephrase the last post:

If you enjoy visiting A Womb At The Innsane and feel so inclined to throw a dog a bone by voting for it in the Blogger's Choice Awards, I would be ever so thrilled and honored. However, if you think this place sucks eggs and would rather poke your own eyeballs out with a dull butter knife, then that is understandable. I will provide you with the link to go and vote (you must first register) just in case you fall under the category of Womb At The Inn(sane) lover: http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/users/show/102213
While you are there, check out some other awesome bloggers or nominate a blog that you think is worthy of getting a little recognition for being so blogtastic! I happen to like Piper of Love and am planning on voting for her next! There are of course some more well known blogs like Dooce, but they need votes like Joan Rivers needs plastic surgery. I tend to go for the underdog (which is the case with this humble little blog.)

So please do me the favor and ignore that last pompous post. I never know when Koooky Kadi will take over and go nutty up in this place! Your votes are optional and much appreciated, but not expected and certainly not required to continue being a guest here at the Inn(sane). Now I'm off to go check my underwear drawer. Kooky Kadi has been known to do some criminal things with my unmentionables!

Forget The Presidential Race And Vote For Something Worthwhile!

Let me start by saying that I am not a person who is above shameless self promotion. I firmly believe that if you don't pucker up and toot your own horn, nobody else will. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The early bird only gets the worm if she is driven enough to go out and get it her damn self. I am a squeaky, driven woman and I intend to rock this world with my puny little blog. Even if it takes me years and all of what is left of my sanity. Yeah...it's a selfish thing. The way I figure it, I deserve a little slice of the selfish pie, since I let seven other people devour it before me and I'm usually only left licking the crumbs out of the pan.

Yes, I do have a point in all of this rambling. I'm sure that some of you have heard of a little something called the Bloggers Choice Awards. However, being that a lot of you are busy mommies who do not get a whole lotta web surfing time, there are also some of you who have not. Basically, it is a chance to nominate and vote for blogs, based on categories, that you like. Lo and behold...my blog is up for three different categories. Now...I'm not insisting that you vote for my blog. But, if you do enjoy this blog and would like to show a little love for it, please click on the following link and cast your vote: http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/users/show/102213

I would be ever so appreciative of your kindness and generosity! If I ever do make it to the top of the ladder (which I doubt will happen since these children keep sawing the rungs) I will throw a gigantic party and invite all of my bloggy friends!! And while I'm aware that there are other mommy bloggers who are deserving of an award, none would be as grateful as I would be!

This post of shameless self promotion has now come to an end. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging about poop, barf and childhood mischief. Thank you!

Does The Circus Take Minors?

We have a huge 15 ft trampoline. Big friggen deal, right? Yes...it is a big deal if you have spawned seven children who love to defy the laws of gravity (even if only for a few seconds) and attempt to make Evil Knievel look like a pansy ass sissy lala. But hey, we have a safety net so it is fine.

Fine if you don't have circus freak type children who look up and realize that the top of the safety net also acts as a tightrope/springboard. But I do. And they did. So they shinnied up the poles, positioned themselves atop the "safety" net and took turns jumping off. If it would have been a legitimate circus act with professional acrobats, I would have been impressed. But it wasn't and I wasn't. I almost crapped my pants when I looked out the window and saw little bodies enthusiastically hurling themselves from a twenty foot high net and being catapulted back into the air by the anti gravitational force of trampoline springs. I could only envision a whole emergency ward of Prescotts in full body casts and CPS hauling me away for negligence.

I made them descend back down to ground level and gave them a lecture on the purpose of a safety net. They looked very unimpressed. So I used the computer to show them pictures of kids in casts and laying in the hospital. I thought that surely it would scare them into keeping their jumping limited to the trampoline mat only. Daniel junior just looked at me and asked, "Do those casts come in colors, cuz if I could get a red one that would be sweet!"

I wonder if Evil Knievel's mother had to be heavily medicated while he was alive?

Get Your Tickets!

Just a quick update on the August 16th charity event and wine tasting:

Pre sale tickets are now being offered for only $15 at http://www.cherishedeventsllc.com/!
This is five dollars off of the regular ticket price and one of our lucky pre sale ticket purchasers will receive an extra raffle ticket to win a fabulous prize! If you are going to be in Southern California on August 16th, please mark your calendar to join us at this event. If you cannot make it, but still would like to purchase a ticket to help support Scott Terrill's surviving sons, please visit the site for more details on how to do so. We appreciate all of the donations and support we have received so far!

Here is a quick summary of the Terrill Charity Event for those of you who do not know about it already:

What: Cherished Events Charity In Honor of Lane and Tate Terrill
Wine tasting and appetizers. Live music by the great Lorenz and prize raffles and
shopping!
When: August 16th 10am-2pm
Where: Etiwanda Gardens 7576 Etiwanda Avenue, Etiwanda, CA, 91739 (photos below)

Who: Since this event features alcohol consumption, we are encouraging adult attendance
Why: We are donating our proceeds to the sons of the late Scott Terrill, who passed on July 4th.
Tickets: $15 presale, $20 door, $5 raffle tickets available at our Cherished Events website
Vendors: Limited space is available for businesses who wish to rent a table for this event.
Please contact Cherish at 909)373-7060

We look forward to seeing you there!

The Rest...Is History

I thought that when my kids got older and out of infancy, that night would be a time of rest. I thought that I would get a solid eight hours of sleep, with only an occasional interruption. This is just another one of the thousands of things that I have been sorely mistaken about. Last night was so bad, in fact, that I was longing for the days of night time nursing and diaper changes again.

I had just fallen asleep when Marlie came into the room. Her stomach hurt and she needed to throw up. As you all know, kids cannot just sit by the toilet and wait for it to happen. They need their mommy to sit by them and hold their hair or rub their back, while they wait for the big moment to arrive. An hour later...nothing. I made her a pallet on the floor, next to a trash can. Then I drifted back to sleep.

Not much later, Miss Ella came in and crawled between Daniel and I. She then proceeded to flail around and kick her legs, while sleep mumbling about something. After twenty minutes of having my back bruised, I woke her up to find out what was wrong. Her legs were itchy. I got up and found the lotion. I put some on her legs and flopped back into bed. The kicking did not stop, however. Her legs were cured but now her pinky toe hurt. I got up, got a cold, wet wash cloth and wrapped her foot up. I don't know why, but it worked.

I slunk back into the sheets and drifted off, once more. "Shit! She peed the damn bed!! Oh that's just #@&*#$ great!" This was what woke me the third time. It was my half awake, angry husband. Apparently he did not get the midnight memo about Ella's toe injury and the wet wash cloth wrap. He was in a rampage that he could not sleep well because of Ella's kicking and now the wet spot that he assumed was pee. I informed him of Ella's toe and asked him to calm down.

Finally, at three thirty, Marlie stopped getting up, Ella stopped kicking and my husband stopped cursing. My eyes felt like they had weights strapped to the lids as I passed out. This morning, my husband asked me what Marlie was doing on our floor. I just looked at him the way I used to when we had a newborn who would not sleep, as if to say,"You have no idea what went on here last night." At least when they are newborns, you can whip out a boob and magically put them back to sleep!

Free Stuff!

If you love winning contests and have a few minutes to spare, head over to the bloggy giveaway carnival by clicking here. There are literally hundreds of giveaways going on this week. Guerrilla Parenting has joined in the fun and we are giving away a copy of Max Lucado's book, Cure For The Common Life, to one lucky reader. I am going to do a giveaway here, as well. One lucky Innsane reader will win a shirt from my cafe press store, Defiant Mom. Just leave a comment on this post, for a chance to win!

Make sure to leave a comment here, visit Guerrilla Parenting to enter our contest and then visit the giveaway carnival site, as well. Have a happy Monday!

Shake, Rattle and Scold

You would think that being a California resident, I'd run at the slightest quiver of the ground. Not me. When the desk started shaking this afternoon, I told the kids to knock it off. I was in the middle of finishing a painting and was making a very precise stroke and the last thing I needed was a smart Alec kid shaking the desk. When it ceased to stop moving, I let my frustration get the best of me and yelled, "Will you knock it off for the love of Pete?!!!" I turned to see all of the kids on my bed...all seven of them. The only one under the desk was the dog. Then it hit me...

The damn dog must be chewing the desk again. Just then the phone rang and it was my husband. "Hey, are you guys okay?" I put down my brush. "What are you talking about? Of course we are okay." Apparently my brain doesn't function well when preoccupied with painting (or any other activity that requires concentration.) He sounded panicked, "We just had an earthquake! Didn't you feel it?"

After I apologized to the kids and the dog, I vowed to save my painting until after the kids are in bed. You know... just in case another natural disaster strikes, requiring me to be more alert than the paintbrush I am holding. BTW, the painting is just fine (oh, and the kids too!) However, Ella would like to know who Pete is and told me that she is going to tell daddy that I have a boyfriend.

Jodie Is A Controlling B!tch...and I love her for it!

I just wanted to share some pics that I got from Jodie, of her wearing one of my Defiant Mom shirts! Yes, you can be the next model to be featured here at the Inn(sane) wearing her FREE shirt, if you enter to win by leaving a comment on this post.

Thanks for rockin' that shirt, Jodie!

Random Questions That Do Not Really Need An Answer

• Why is it that when you finally finish getting your child dressed, shoes on, in the car, buckled up and your backing out of the driveway...they suddenly realize that they were wrong about not having to pee?
• Why is it that when you call 411, the operator prompts you to press 1 for information. Excuse me, but why else would I be calling? It just seems a tad redundant, is all I'm saying.
• How is it possible that you clean the whole van... every crack, crevice and car seat, yet the baby will still be found chomping on a fuzzy, week old apple slice by the time that you get to your destination?
• Why do moms sit around and complain about how naughty their kids have been, but if someone else dares call them naughty, they suddenly have nothing but praises to sing in defense their demon spawn?
• Why is it that the moment you finish cleaning the house, the kids run in with muddy feet, slip on the wet floor, knock over a whole glass of juice on their way down and then blame you for mopping?
• Why do all of the kids fight over the red cup? What the hell is so great about a red cup? I'm about to go paint every single cup red.
• Why do we struggle to lose our baby weight so we can fit into our pre baby jeans and then when we do, we realize that they don't fit the same anyway and they flatten our now squishy buttocks and cry anyway?
• Why do we bother taking our kids out to shop for new school clothes when we know damn well that they will come home after wearing them once, with huge holes in the knees? Why don't we just buy them already thrashed looking apparel and save ourselves the frustration?
• Why do we force ourselves into bathing suits that are designed for models, every single year, instead of joining forces to declare baggy frocks the hottest style in swimwear?
• Why do we bother packing healthy lunches for our kids every morning, when we know that they are just going to trade them for Twinkies and Koolaid?
• Why do we ask our husbands if our outfits make us look (fat, ugly, flat chested)? If we have to ask, then doesn't that mean that we have doubts and should just go change rather than take a chance at trusting a man who is staring intently at the TV screen and just pretending to be interested in your question?
• Why do they keep releasing new and improved versions of products? Wouldn't it just make sense to get it right the first time?
• Why do we answer "Fine" when people ask how we are? Why don't we tell them how we are really doing? They obviously want to hear about our PMS, our bratty kids, our horrible job and that our underwear are giving us an uncomfortable wedgie because hey...they asked, right?
• Why can our husbands remember countless sports stats, playoff dates and players names, yet can never remember that we have a calendar on the wall with important events and act offended when we tell them that they forgot about date night?
• Why do we bother pouring a cup of coffee in the morning when we know damn well that we will not get a chance to drink it until all of the kids have had breakfast, been bathed, sent out to play and the coffee is a cool 60 degrees?
• Why do the kids spend all day ignoring us and avoiding us until we want to sit on the toilet and pee in peace or have a five minute phone conversation, signaling to them the need to track us down and incessantly whine that they need you?
• Why do toddlers so rapidly learn to say "Shut up," "Doodie head" and other assorted frowned upon terms and repeat them in public, rather than the names of shapes that we have been so fervently trying to ingrain in their little minds for weeks?
• Why do we moms spend 9 months complaining about school projects, homework, teachers, crappy cafeteria food, dismissal times, sitting in the car line, fundraisers, PTA drama and endless other school related issues...then pray for it to be back in session for the three months we have off?
  

Curse Of The Lazy Uterus

My friend Bridget is in the last days of her fifth pregnancy. She is a lot like me, in the sense that she has tried desperately to keep from getting pregnant, to no avail. She loves her kids very much. She even home schools them, which is far beyond my capabilities and patience. However, she has been in dire need of a baby break and the good Lord had other plans for her.

She is currently in the same state that I have been in many times. For those of you who have been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Those last few days of pregnancy, when you feel like your skin is going to split in half, you can't sleep, can't fit food in your belly, can't stand for very long, can't keep up with the other kids who are running amok and eating cookies for breakfast because you are too exhausted to give a damn. She is also like me in the sense that she is notorious for going past her due date. We call our uteruses lazy. They never seem to be up for the task of starting labor on their own. In fact...I clearly recall a time:

I was a week overdue with Phillip. I was freaking miserable. I would lay awake all night with contractions. I would think that they were the start of labor. Come day break, they would subside. This was going on for days and I was ready to reach up and break my own damn amniotic sac. Bridget called to check on me and I was almost in tears. She offered to help me out. At this point, I was ready to try anything. Daniel had convinced me that sex would surely put me into labor, but all that it had done was make my already sore perineum, even sorer and make me fell like a circus freak contortionist. Sex is no small feat when you are sporting a giant beach ball stomach.

Bridget brought over a bottle of castor oil and some orange gatorade. She told me that it would either put me into labor, or make me puke. It was well worth the risk. I chugged a few spoonfuls. It was like melting a few tubes of chapstick and drinking them. I gag even thinking about it now. Thirty minutes later, my stomach started grumbling. Then it started hurting. Was it labor? No. It was the beginning of violent diarrhea. Apparently the dehydration from violent diarrhea is supposed to cause the uterus to contract...and it did. I called Daniel to come home because I couldn't even get off of the toilet.

Eight hours later, I was laying in the hospital bed, waiting to see my doctor. I knew that he would call me crazy and admit me. Then he would start some pitocin and I would finally be out of my misery. I was right about one thing. The doctor did call me crazy. Then he checked me and sent me home. I was only in false labor and seriously dehydrated. I cried all the way home. My stomach was sore, I was exhausted beyond belief and my rear end was not happy. A week (that felt like one long year) later, the doctor finally induced my labor and I had Phillip.

Moral of the story...no matter how badly you want to get that baby out, do not resort to drastic measures. The only thing that is guaranteed to start labor is mother nature and your doctor. Trust me on this one. I never tried castor oil again, but I did try every other remedy known to man. By my last pregnancy, I conceded to the fact that I would never be able to have my baby before its due date and nothing was going to change that. I always had to wait for induction and accept that my lazy uterus was not good at starting labor. Then, much to my shock, my water broke two weeks early when I was pregnant with Reed. God has a great sense of humor, doesn't he? Hang in there Bridget and step away from the castor oil!

Summer time and the livin' is....QUEASY.

It has been awhile. We have managed to avoid illness for a few months. It is my favorite thing about being out of school. Alas, all good things must come to an end.

Phillip started complaining of a stomach ache this morning. He still managed to eat a bowl of cereal, but did not hold it down for long. It just started to form those lovely chunks of white, putrid curdles in his stomach, when it made its encore. Unfortunately, he did not make it to the toilet. He blew chunks of rancid milk all over the rug. Yummy. I got clean up duty either because I'm the least likely to gag or I'm already not feeling well.

Half of my kids are complaining of stomach aches now. Fanflippintastic. Who knows how long this will last. At least it isn't during school. We will all be well just in time for school to start, so the kids can contract some other virus!

How do you do...it?

This is a question that has been posed to me a lot lately. It is one that I take joy in answering, but cannot easily condense into one small sentence. So here is my big secret. Here is the answer that obviously a lot of you are dying to know, to the burning question, "How do I manage my life and all that it entails?"

My answer is multifaceted.

1. I am a high energy person. Sure, I go through spurts of being tired or overly stressed. However, I have never been one to be able to sit still for long. I used to drive my mother nuts with my constant leaping and dancing around the house.
2. Keeping busy makes it easier to forget my grief. Truth be told, I still have a hard time with my grandpa's passing. Maybe I'm a little afraid to stop and let grief settle in. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it works for now. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
3. I have a husband who sees how much my writing and business makes me a happier person and therefor, supports me in my endeavors. He helps with housework, cooking and whatever else needs to get done and doesn't complain. He also knows that if it becomes to much on him or the kids, that he can come to me and we will reevaluate and make changes as necessary. We go by the belief that as long as we are aiming to make each other happy, then even our rough spots will be easily navigated.
4. I read a book by Max Lucado called "Cure For The Common Life" (and I highly recommend it.) It was inspiring and caused a small epiphany within me. Lucado encourages his readers to find their sweet spot in life and use it to bring glory to God. In turn, your efforts will bring you joy. Max Lucado's words came to fruition when I started Cherished Events with my partner and we decided to use the business to help others. It has brought me much more joy than I ever imagined. I try to use my gifts in every aspect of my life.
5. Number four has everything to do with number five. God gives me the strength, the energy and the resources to raise my kids, manage a household and everything else that I do. I thank Him for it everyday and try not to lose sight of why I am on this earth. Yes, I make mistakes and sometimes take on too much. It happens to the best of us. Like I've said before, I'm not perfect by far. I am just a person who thrives on a good challenge, over coming obstacles and using what God gave me to make a difference while I'm here.
6. Lastly, and most of you know this, I take Lexapro. It helps manage my stress. Without it, I'd still be able to do all that I do, but I'd be a much less pleasant person. I do not hide the fact that I am on medication because it wouldn't be fair to paint a picture that was missing an element of truth. I do not like that I rely on the medication. It is my goal to eventually be able to do without it. But God gave us brains and the ability to know when we need to ask for help and take it. I needed some help and I have no shame in the fact that I took the help.

Interview With A Fabulous Woman

Everyone of us knows a woman who inspires them, amazes them, challenges them to be a better person. One of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of meeting, is Olivia (the gorgeous diva in the picture above!) I met Olivia through the Fabulous Moms of RC, moms club. She is not only the president of the club, she runs a club for learners of American Sign Language, runs marathons, raises two beautiful children and raises money for charity. She recently decided to blog (http://fabulousrunningmommy.blogspot.com/) about her whole experience with NF2, running, being a mommy and the fabulous life that she leads. Please read the following mini-interview I conducted with her and then head over to her blog. You will come away...inspired, I promise!

1. What exactly is NF2?

NF2 is a genetic chromosomal disorder that causes tumors to grow all throughout the body, specifically on the nerves in the brain controlling hearing/balance/facial function. In my case I have them all through my spine, all through my brain, and will have many surgeries throughout my life unless someone finds a freaking drug therapy!

2. When did you lose your hearing?

I lost my left side in high school after a long and crazy brain surgery, Senior year of HS I had to come back half deaf, kids are cruel, its not like TV where they throw you a parade LOL. The other side I lost gradually after having the tumor on that side radiated. One morning when I was 21 and JT was about 6 months I woke up to see him screaming and crying and I couldn't hear it at all.

3. How has NF2 changed you (other than the obvious hearing loss?)

You know on the inside I am still the same. All that is changed is how people see me and treat me. They are dismissive like I am a child, and will speak to my husband or whatever friend I am with as if they are my guardian. I have learned to be patient and understanding, and to remember most people simply don't know how to communicate with a deaf person and I just have to be nice about it.

4. When did you start running and why do you love it so much?

Actually only in January when I found out about the Long Beach marathon! I am very goal oriented, so once I made the decision to do it I was gone! I was shocked to find I enjoy it. I'm healthier, more fit, and have time to work out my inner thoughts.

5. What made you start the Fabulous moms of RC?

I was actually in the group and the organizer was leaving, I volunteered to take over and kind of changed the entire group. I set up rules and more events, changed the name to be more concise. I took over to force myself to be more social, its easy to stay home and be a hermit, I wanted my kids to have friends, and I wanted a group of girlfriends for myself. I really feel I have reached both those goals and now I provide a place for other women who may be lonely, or new to town, or wrapped up in being a Mommy and just want companionship.

6. What motivates you?

I should say my kids or my husband, LOL, but really I am just energetic and need constant variable and creative outlets or I get depressed.

7. What are your goals for this year and the long term?

This year, run the entire half-marathon in Long Beach, my fundraising goal was $2500 and I have passed that this past week! My new goal is $3000! In the long term I need to head back to school, get my BA then later my Masters. I seriously can't decide on a major, its a huge problem actually LOL.

8. Who inspires you?

My Nani for raising 5 boys and taking pride in keeping a nice home and having dinner on the table, and being married to my Daz for over 50 years. My husband for going through a difficult childhood and never complaining about it, only using it to make himself stronger and learning from it to be an amazing Father.

9. What is your favorite thing/worst thing about motherhood?

My fave is morning cuddles with their sweet/sour breathe all in my face, having an excuse to go to fun places like John's Incredible Pizza, my single friends didn't even know what it was! The worst? I would have to say the poop.

10. Details on the marathon and a link to sponsor you.

On Oct. 12th 2008 I am running the Long Beach Citibank Marathon along the beach! I originally planned to run the 5k and raise $2000. Now I plan to run the half (13.1 miles) and raise $3000! I am running in honor of my Grandma, Mom, and Uncle Eric... all people I have lost to this disease. The harsh truth is without funding for research to find a drug therapy to stop the tumors from growing, people who are diagnosed as babies such as myself and my son, have an average life expectancy of 40 years. I never do what is expected though, so by running I plan to add miles and years to my life. Here's the link to join me in the fight against NF http://www.active.com/donate/nflongbeach2008/OHernan4

Please head over to Olivia's blog and welcome her to the bloggosphere and add her to your blogroll!

Don't tip the bucket!

Why do kids find the most parentally embarrassing things, the funniest to do? Yes, I know that "parentally" is not a real word. But it works for me and so it is staying in this post.

We had the ADT guy come out to show us how to use our new security system. Truth be told, we have not been able to use it because when the man explained it to me the first time, I had seven kids running around and screaming. Most of the info he gave me, did not even make it past my outer ear canal, before being shoved aside by "Moooooom! He's looooooking at meeeeeee!!!!!" So all of the info that I should have received just dissipated into the air, much like my daily allocation of sanity.

So, there we were, in the hallway. The ADT man was going over the alarm procedures, the kids were outside playing and I was trying to stay focused while secretly wondering if the kids were actually playing or killing each other. Then I heard a sound coming from my bedroom. Phillip had sneaked back in and made himself at home in my bathroom. He came out naked with a tampon in his crack. The ADT man couldn't contain his laughter when Phillip said, "What? I just wanted to see what it was like. You put them in your butt all the time."

After explaining (more to the ADT man than Phillip) that I do not put those in my rear, I made him remove the tampon and get dressed. When I became brave enough to face the ADT man again, he was still laughing. He finally told me that it was not any worse than the time his daughter found mommy's little "toy" and brought it out during a business dinner party, when she was supposed to be asleep in bed. It was buzzing away and his daughter thought it was the coolest toy ever and wanted to know if she could sleep with it. He said that his wife took their daughter to bed and stayed upstairs for the rest of the night.

Aren't kids just a bucket full of surprises?

My Knight In Blue Jeans

Yesterday was one of those "Why me, God?" days. I had quite a few tasks to accomplish and had the kids with me (as if they would be anywhere else.) We drove 45 minutes to the doctor's office, in Upland, to have Ella's stitches removed. The kids fought the whole way down the hill. So I vetoed their request to stop for food. I said that their mouths were far too busy saying nasty things to be able to chew. Then, I gave in and stopped because I was starving, but they did not get to choose what I ordered for them. Ha, I showed them! (Well...kind of.)

Then we went to Target to pick up some card tables because the ones I had in my van mysteriously disappeared while we were in the doctor's office. Have you ever tried to shove folding tables into a cart while keeping a bunch of crabby kids within arm's length? Not fun...to say the least. Did I mention that my monthly visitor had just arrived and I forgot to bring any feminine products (in addition to a huge bottle of Midol?) My only goal was to get out of the store with all of the kids, two tables, some tampons and my sanity. Clearly, sanity was on its way out. Desperate times called for desperate measures. I used good ol' bribery tactics to keep the kids' behavior on the straight and narrow. Ella and Aiden decided that the straight and narrow was too boring and decided to waive their right to choose a small treat at the end of our trip. They did not realize until we were checking out at the register, that I was serious about them not receiving a treat and retaliated with a huge meltdown. Reed joined the bawl fest as soon as I uttered the words "No candy." There we were, with a cart full of card tables, three kids laying on the store floor and a crap load of people staring at us. Not the first time it has happened...not the last, I'm sure.

By the time we got back to the van, my nerves were shot. I was nervous about how Ladies' Night would turn out. I was stressed about some other stuff and listening to the ear splitting screeches of toddlers was not exactly helping the situation. On top of it all, it was almost time for Cherish and I to set up over at WineStyles. I was not even close to ready, had no clothes to wear and no time to drive back up the hill and down again. Lucky for me, I have a husband who knows when I'm about to snap and pulled up next to the van just before I got to that point. He took the kids, handed me the check card and told me to go buy a cute outfit. I went back into Target, alone this time and much more calm, found some clothes and composed myself. What would I do without such a wonderful man? He always saves me in the nick of time!