Serendipity At Dr. J's

I drove down the hill to see Doctor J., my fabulous chirosport doctor. My hip was out in a bad way and I had to get it fixed so that I can chase after kids when we are in Laughlin. I ended up getting so much more than an adjustment, however.

We arrived early for our appointment, so we decided to visit a little shop called "WineStyles," a few doors away from Dr. J's office. Winestyles is an adorable little wine shop that is owned by a very sweet man who loves to chat. So we started talking about my affinity for wine and women in general. Mr. Schriver (the chatty owner,) hosts women's wine tasting events. Well, he has already hosted one, which went very well. He wants to do another one, but is not sure how he can top the first one. My eyes instantly lit up. Networking and party planning are my specialities!!! It was almost as if I was meant to visit Mr. Schriver's shop. He is in desperate need of a female who can promote his events. I don't mean to toot my horn, but I throw a wicked party. My husband hates my parties because they are always a little overboard, but everyone else seems to like them.

So I bought a bottle of "Big Ass Cab," left Mr. Schriver my email address and went to see Dr. J. My hip is in excellent shape, my spine is aligned and I am way excited to promote WineStyles! My head is already swimming with ideas. I need to find local businesses that are interested in participating and promoting their own services/goods. I will have no problem drumming up guests. My friends, my whole family and Daniel's family love drinking wine. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will impress Mr. Schriver by throwing a rockin' women's night and earn his repeated business! If anyone has ideas for this event, please leave them in the comments section and I'll throw out a big cyber kiss to you!!

On The Lighter Side

My talented and beautiful friend, Corinne, tagged me for a word association game. Here are my answers and at the end, I will tag five more people to play along:

Australia ~ world's deadliest snakes
Beach ~ sand in bathing suit bottoms..not pleasant
Cards~ Texas Hold'Em
Dip ~ Skinny...the kids are running through the sprinkler naked right now and yelling "Skinny Dipping!"
Elephant ~ Elephantitus...not pretty
Fake~ boobs. No need to say more:
George ~ Of The Jungle. Hot.
Hawaii ~ It's beautiful....or so I've heard
Ice Cream ~ sandwich I found under the couch...ewww
June ~ my sister (We call Janice, "June")
King~ Elvis...I have his sideburns
Love ~ my kids
Mike ~ Brother in law...we have fun with his family
Numb ~ nuts (sorry. It just popped into my head.)
Orange ~ old house. I miss those walls.
Pub ~ New Castle Beer from Ireland. It's goooood!!!
Quiet ~ Something Heard In Somebody Else's House
Radiant ~ PregnancyTree~ Beauty, Peace

Swing~ Set. The kids love playing on it.

White~ Weddings. My sister, Hannah, had such a beautiful wedding. This is her and my Dad



Now it's your turn: Mandy Becker, Hettie Brewner, Tanyetta, Holy Crappers #2, Jen aka "The Mom"
Don't try to weasel out of it, either. I will check up on you to make sure you did this. There will be harsh punishments for those who shirk responsibility!!

Free annual pass to Neverland Ranch w/ The Purchase Of A Child's Concert Ticket!

Please tell me that Michael Jackson is not seriously doing a concert. Who the hell would give that child molesting freakazoid any of their hard earned money, much less five seconds of their precious time, to hear him sing? Obviously not me. Does anyone really believe that MJ is innocent?

I've said it before and I'll say it again..It just goes to show that if you have enough money, you can be a child molesting criminal and get away with it. Not only can you get away with it, people will support your ridiculous claims of innocence and pay money to see your crazy looking face croon "Man In The Mirror." I'm starting to wonder if the man even owns a mirror. If Michael is really going to show his face, the least he could do is try to make it look a tad more normal, so as not to scare all of the children in the audience, who he will probably invite back to his ranch to molest, after the concert.

Hmmm... sorry, Michael. It's gonna take a lot more than a mustache to pull off normalcy.

Pack Your Bags...We're Going On Vacation

Morning has dawned. I got my Lexapro, last night. The kids are all alive and unharmed. Yesterday is just a memory now. One I'd like to forget.

Things got better after my last post. I failed to mention that the neighbor kids came to spend the night, last night. I know what you're thinking, "Are you nuts?" But we had already scheduled the sleepover and I cannot break promises to my kids without there being terrible back lash. Luckily, they are great boys who are well behaved. So it actually worked out for the better, because they kept my kids entertained and out of my frazzled hair.

Today, I am packing our bags. We leave tomorrow for Laughlin. We will be spending five days at my in laws' house, by their pool. It is as close to a vacation as we are gonna get. Fret not...they have internet capability, so I will be blogging pool side. Hopefully I can find a waterproof laptop jacket.

Also, I'd like to announce the grand opening of my newest blog, "Kinsanity." It is another B5Media blog, focused on the topic of family dysfunction. Dexie, my co-blogger, and I will be starting the blog on June 1st. Please stop by and check it out after it opens. It should be great reading material!

I'm off to start packing. Have a great Friday, everyone. I will leave you with a poster:

Triple Threat, Button Pushing, Mental Demise Kinda Day

I am pushing the big red button that is reserved for the utmost emergency type situations. You see, I'm about five effing minutes from a meltdown and here's why:
The last day of school meant four BBQ's to attend today. Unfortunately, I got a visitor this morning and I'm not referring to a person. Also unfortunate, is the fact that I promised the kids that we could walk to school one day this year. Being that I had not made good on that little promise, today had to be the day. So I cowgirled up, grabbed a few Midol, loaded up the wagon with four kids and teacher gifts and walked to school. Four BBQs later, the last bell rang and it was time to mosey back home. This time, with all seven kids. Waaaaaayyyyy more difficult than it sounds... which sucks because it doesn't even sound pleasant.

Daniel Jr. came walking up to the wagon with an aquatic habitat and the class pet, a frog. I forgot that we had committed to taking froggy home on the last day. So we had seven kids, (one who was asleep and taking up all of the wagon space,) two bags of left over BBQ food, four backpacks and a freakin frog. I left Daniel Jr. in the office with our newest pet and went to fetch the van. Our house is two blocks away from the school. It took us a half an hour to get back to the school. I had to practically carry Ella and Aiden home, while dragging Reed's dead weight in the wagon. Sound bad?

Not bad enough. Then, I called the pharmacy to find out if my Lexapro prescription had been filled yet. Of course it hadn't. I called the doctor's office to find out what the hold up was. The receptionist informed me that in order to okay the refill request, I had to come in and be seen. This is a bit of info that she failed to tell me when I called her two days ago. So now I'm two days off my meds and I can feel a wicked withdrawal coming on if I don't get that Lexapro by tonight. I've only had one withdrawal experience and it was the equivalent of a turn-around trip to hell aboard the Psychosis Express, with many stops at Anxietyville, along the way. I have no desire to revisit.

It is now 4:00. I just convinced the receptionist to call in my refill. I think that my uncontrollable sobbing was what softened her heart. Either that, or the fact that she heard me threaten to hang a child by his toenails if he didn't leave me alone. I am a woman who is experiencing the side effects of hormonal rage, medication withdrawal and last day of school dread. Plus, I now have a frog in my room, which I'm going to have to explain to my husband. This is truly a test of my strength or the makings of a very bad night. Only time will tell.
Please make this day a little easier and click here. Then, go read my post over at Imperfect Parent, which explains why I have last day of school dread. It is kind of a prequel to this post.

Freud and I Would Have Been Bunk Mates At The Institution

I'm still working on getting rid of the eye twitch. I looked up some possible causes of twitching eyes and nothing that is listed as a cause, sounds like it applies to me:

1. Stress...nope. I'm easy like Sunday morning. If Sunday morning is a torturous day that begins with breaking up fist fights over who gets the last bowl of Lucky Charms and ends with many choruses of the same damn bed time song and prayers that include requests to make mommy disappear. No, no stress here.
2. Change in eye glasses prescription. Well, since Reed broke my glasses, again, I haven't been able to wear them. So I don't think that my prescription has changed.
3. Increased use of the computer. Hmmmm...since I got the laptop, I've only added a few more blogs. That should only equal ten or twenty more minutes...per hour. That cannot possibly be what they mean, right?
4. Over consumption of caffeine. No way. I have one coffee in the morning and a Dr.Pepper by dinner time. It didn't say anything about the size of the cups, so I assume that using a gallon sized thermos certainly would not constitute over consumption. I never drink more than one thermos of each. That would be wayyyy too much caffeine.
5. Fatigue. Nope....only pure exhaustion plagues this girl!
6. Neurological disorders. Ha! I am totally fine. Really. No disorders here. I think. Except I have been getting unexplained anxiety attacks. But that's it. Unless you count hallucinations. But those only happen at night. So really, it could count as a dream. I only obsess every now and then and my husband has only threatened to have me committed once (or twice.) No. I'm perfectly fine.

The search for an answer shall continue until I find one that better suits me...and by that I mean, doesn't make me look like a spastic freak who needs to be bound in a straight jacket and locked up in a looney bin. Sheesh, it's only an eye twitch. How many crazy people do you know that have/had an eye twitch, other than Hans Christian Andersen, Lord Byron, Agatha Christie, Frances Ford Coppola, William Faulkner, Howard Hughes, Ernest Hemmingway, Cary Grant, Sigmund Freud, Abraham Lincoln, Vivian Leigh, Georgia O' Keefe and a few others? See? I'm normal. I swear. (twitch, twitch)

Interview With A Van-pire

Yes...it's a pun. Shitballs. Must I explain everything to you?

Okay. So I find myself in the same position that I am in every few months. No, I'm not talking about bending over scrubbing skid marks out of toilets (and shower curtains.) I'm speaking of the need to explain what this blog and my writing is all about. So, back by popular demand (by which I mean all of the offended ladies who demand to know where the hell I get off bad mouthing motherhood,) here is a little interview with myself. As usual, I ask the questions and give the answers. Feel free to add any other questions in the comments section. I will answer them when I damn well feel like it! :

1. Why do you come off so crude, when you could get your point across without the bad words and rudeness? ~Because it is fun and I get very little fun in my life, so deal with it.
2. Do you worry that you will offend people and lose readers? ~Nope. Not anymore. I figure that people who like the blog will read it and the rest can find something else to read. People get too easily offended.
3. Why do you talk about politics and religion on a mommy blog? ~This is not a mommy blog. It is a blog, authored by a woman who happens to have kids and opinions on life in general (which includes a lot of motherhood topics.) I talk about life from my perspective. Politics and religion are part of that perspective. Plus it makes for good debate. I love a good debate.
4. Is there anything you will not talk about? ~The only thing that I have been banned from discussing is sex life details and extended family gripes. I did both, once, and it ended badly. I learned my lesson.
5. Are you done having kids? ~I've answered it before, but some people are new here. Yes, we are done unless Daniel's vasectomy grows back together. I was sad to be done...now I'm over it.
6. Do you realize that you are not a great parent? ~ Yes, and I'm okay with that.
7. How do you have the time to blog so much? ~ I neglect my children. Kidding. I leave them outside with their dad, while I write. I blog while they nap, sleep and play. I do not do any other activity that SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) do during the day, like watching television, phone gabbing, shopping, socializing, exercising, eating...you know, useless stuff!!
8. Are you ever going to finish your book? ~Someday. Life has to be lived. It takes a lot of time to live, raise kids and blog. I'm thinking of doing something with the blog when I reach the 1,000th post. We'll see...
9. Are you really insane, as you claim? ~ I have to be somewhat insane to have all of these kids and not give them up for adoption! I'm not the kind of insane that warrants hospitalization, but I am a little off, truth be told.
10. What does the inside of your van look like? ~I clean the van out once a month, if I'm lucky. It looks like the eye of a tornado. Calm in the very center, with shit swirling all around it. The seats are crusted with juice, cookie crumbs and hot dog barf. The floors are no longer visible. It smells like a bucket full of buttholes. Need I say more?
    

Okay, shoot. Gimme your best shot. This is your chance to ask those burning questions that you have been waiting so anxiously to have answered. I'm sure that the two people who even had a question, have already had it answered. But if you can come up with another one (like..."Why do you have fake boobs?" or whatever) go ahead and ask it.

What's The Difference?

Have you ever tried to scrub a toilet with a kid on your back? How about grocery shopping with four kids hanging off the cart? Any parent knows that getting simple errands done, becomes a ginormous job, when kids are around. Even something as small as going pee in a public restroom, becomes almost impossible and disaster free.

Case in point... our gift to the school Principal. I decided to paint her a picture to give to her at the end of the year BBQ. The first time I painted it, it took me four hours and ended up looking like this, because I was chasing kids around and painting:



Then, after the kids went to bed last night, I decided to give it another shot, without the kids. This time, is took two hours and ended up looking like this:

I don't know about you, but I see a huge difference in the two. Neither are perfect. In fact, if I had the time, I would do one more. However, these paintings are an obvious case for why quality work can never be fully achieved while being a stay at home mom. Which explains my mediocre writing!

Time to find an"udder" source of milk!

I'm well aware of the benefits of breast feeding. Good for the baby, extra immunities, DHA, yadda yadda yadda... But there comes a time when a baby becomes a child and the mother needs to pry said child off her tit and move on. For example:

Does this lady pay a visit to the Kindergarten class at lunch break, everyday, just to nurse this boy? Seriously, this just looks wrong. I know of many moms who would be furious with me for protesting extended nursing, but holy shitballs. Enough is enough. Give the kid a can of Pediasure and let him grow up already! Rule of thumb here at the "Inn(sane)":
If the kid is taller than knee height, can request the boob, or is old enough to eat a steak...it is time to wean.

What do you think about extended nursing? What is the "right" time to wean?

Auditory Rape and Crunchy Nuts...unrelated but true stories

I was sitting on the toilet last night (please pause a moment for the awkward silence effect)...let's start again. I was looking at Daniel's Sports Illustrated magazine, last night and found this advertisement. It was the funniest one I've seen in awhile, so I'm sharing it with you. Now I'm off to have my ears raped by the cacophonous crooning of 60 first graders, to the tune of patriotic songs. Wish me luck!

One man's trash is another's collectible!

Does your child have a favorite toy or lovie that is so old and nasty looking, you are considering tossing it out? Do they seem oblivious to its presence? Does it seem like they have outgrown the once beloved object of their bed time affections? I'm here to tell you to RECONSIDER.

Trust me on this one. I learned the hard way, that even a seemingly forgotten toy, will cost you dearly if you decide to send it out with the garbage. I threw out Daniel Jr.'s Teen Titans Robin doll, this week. He noticed, of course, and asked where it was. I've never seen him so distraught over a anything, as he was over that 24" doll. I felt so bad about tossing it, that I promised to dig it out of the trash can, first thing in the morning. Easier said than done...

The can was full of writhing maggots. UGHHHH!!! No way was I going to reach my arm into the barrel. Forget it. I would just find another Robin doll on the internet. Two hours later, I found the same exact doll that my grandma paid 15 dollars for, for seventy dollars, at a collectible shop. Apparently, toys appreciate at astounding rates over the course of two years. I wish someone would tell the yard sale customers that.

Lesson learned. I am never throwing out another toy again. I will save them all, no matter how gross looking. then, when the kids move out, I will open a "collectibles" shop and sell them to all the other poor, dumb mommies who wrongly trash their own kids' toys.

Homecoming

I took the dog down to my mom's house on Saturday. I am picking the dog up and bringing her back home today. It seems that my husband has learned to appreciate the benefits of dog ownership and has overcome his anger at her bad habits. It also seems that my mom has become accustomed to living without the worries of caring for another living thing. Having a needy dog like Dakota, has reminded her of how sweet a dog free life can be. So I'm left to figure out how to protect her from the inevitable clumsiness and rough natured playing of my kids.

I wonder if they have a kid training course on the care of animals? Maybe Dakota's absence has helped them to realize how much they love her. Maybe they will not be as rough when she returns home. Maybe pigs will get their pilot licenses today. I'm going to Petsmart to buy a shock collar...seven of them. Not for the dog, but for the kids.

A Hairy Situation

We got home from a BBQ last night and found that the girls' bathroom sink had exploded. The sink had been draining a bit slowly, but we assumed it was just toilet paper and would slowly dissolve. You know what assuming does...

There was a whole bunch of nasty crap all over the sink, the counter and the toilet. Yet, the sink still would not drain. It was already 11 pm, so we cleaned it up and went to bed. I wasn't too surprised when Daniel pulled this out of the sink this morning:



Marlie thought that shoving her hair bands down the drain would get her out of doing her hair for school. For a girl who just took a GATE test, she obviously isn't gifted in the common sense department.

Quality Time With Grandma

My mom was the inspiration for this post and the poster. I have to laugh because most grandparents are over zealous in their requests to keep their grandkids for the weekend. Not my mom! She loves to have the kids over...for a little while. But I can always tell when she is ready for them to leave. She is not subtle about it and it cracks me up!

Three kids stayed the night at her house, last night. This morning, at seven o' clock, the phone rings. Surprise, surprise...it's mom. "So, I'll meet you half way to drop off the kids. I've got stuff to do today. How's eight?" It has not even been 24 hourse since we arrived at her house, yesterday. I know my mom and I know that kids are best, for her, in small doses. The more kids she has over, the shorter the visit needs to be. She enjoys them tremendously, but needs order and peace in her life. Our kids know exactly how to destroy both, in less than five minutes. So I drove down the hill and picked them up. I think I saw my mom breathe a sigh of relief as we drove away. Poor mom. She tries so hard. I'm pretty sure that she is going to move out of state after she retires and I know why:

Love you, mom!! You are a wonderful grandma, despite my jokes!

Catching Flies

"Yes, I'd like a venti Pike's Place please. Moderate cream and sugar. Thanks." It seems like a simple Star Buck's order, right? I mean, compared to the guy before me with his triple Americano, organic steamed milk, two pumps of Valencia, a half dollop of whipped cream and chocolate shavings, my order was a piece of cake. In fact, my attitude was even a lot easier on the ears, than the guy who ordered the world's most complicated cup of coffee. He was rude, demanding and pretty much bitch slapped the barista through the speaker. I couldn't believe that a customer could be so nasty. I am never like that in places of business, which highly contrasts my baditude on this blog, I admit. I just feel that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

While you may catch more flies with honey, you certainly do not get a better cup of coffee, with it. No matter how I order the cream and sugar for my coffee, it always turns out too sweet or too bitter. They never get it right. Today's cup was no different. It was so sweet, that it made me ill to drink even a few sips. It started my thought process. Maybe I have been going about this whole patronage thing the wrong way. Perhaps the gentleman in front of me had the right idea. After all, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, right? This called for an experiment.

I pulled into the next S-bucks drive thru and took a deep breath. I put on my glasses, for the sake of anonymity and false bravado, then waited my turn. "Welcome to Starbuck's! Can I get you a breakfast sandwich this beautiful morning?" I furrowed my brow and spat my venom, "NO! I want you to remake this shameful cup of shit that the other Starbuck's barista claims is Pike's Place roast!" Her perky little tone quickly changed to panic, "Oh...I'm so sorry mam. Please, allow me to get you a new cup, free of charge." I was slightly in shock that she didn't tell me to blow it out my rear. I continued, "Damn straight! I expect it to be orgasmically good. It better be deliciously creamy and slightly sweet, but not sickeningly sugary. Got it? It's a freakin' cup of coffee for Pete's sake, not rocket science. You people make coffee for a living. The least you can do is make it to suit the customer's taste!" I had to stop my ranting, for fear that I would grow to like it.

I pulled around to the window, where the poor girl was cowering. I took the coffee, signaled her
to stay right where she was and took a sip. UREKA! It was liquid gold!! I had to hide my euphoria while I finished my act. "Now that's better!" She smiled nervously as I pulled away. Holy shitballs. ..it worked! The coffee was so perfectly crafted, that it made my knees weak. There was definitely something to this rudeness thing. Who wants to catch more flies anyway? I'd rather have a well made cup of coffee and be hated/feared by every Starbucks employee in the Southern California area, any day!

Actually, that's not entirely true. Although the experiment did prove my theory and get me a perfect cup of coffee, I cannot bring myself to treat people that way. So I will go back to being nice and settling for an imperfect cup of coffee. Maybe I'll be more firm in my request to balance the sweetness and the strength of the flavor, much like my demeanor. However, I will remember this lesson, just in case the need to bitch slap should arise again!

Calgon Ain't Gonna Cut It

The eye twitch is worse than ever. The kids accidentally spilled a smoothie on the cable box today and we are now cable less. Then Trenton found a bottle of red food dye (I swore I threw them all out after Easter,) and decided to pour it all over himself and Aiden. It also got on the carpet. Somebody clogged up the bathroom sink with an unknown substance. But it was all okay because I was going to get the night off.

I got ready for my friend's baby shower. I took a shower. I did my hair. I even plucked my eyebrows. Life was good. I said goodbye to the family and drove off into the sunset. I only got two miles away from home when my husband's truck started acting up. I had to turn around and go home. I am sitting here, at home, with the clogged sink, stained carpet, broken cable box and seven wired children. What did I do to deserve this? This calls for a poster:

Screw the Calgon...somebody just knock me over the head with a frying pan.

Friday Fifteen: Hotness Factor

I am a mom (see the snot on my leg?) I am a wife (see the beer... I mean cook book in my hand?) But dammit, I am also a female. Which means that I find certain gentlemen appealing in the aesthetic sense. To you simpletons, that means "HOT." It has been awhile since I've done a list type post, so I'm doing one specifically for the ladies. Not only am I going to list the 15 hottest celebrity males (according to media sources and my own opinions,) I'm going to give all of you ladies (and gay males,) a nice visual as well! Make sure that you cast your vote for the winner, in the comments section. Here it is, my list of 15 of Hollywood's Hottest:

Leo Di Caprio was my teenage crush.

Baby faced men are hot.

Orlando Bloom

Pirates (real or fake) are hot.

Ricky Martin.

I think he is gay and still hot.

Ryan Gosling

Have you seen The Notebook?

Buy it now, thank me later!

Hot.

Will Smith

Funny is hot.

Vin Diesel.

Face is okay, body is out of control.
Hot.

Jet Li.

The ability to kick several asses at once...is hot.

JohnMayer.

Face is so-so. His singing makes him way hot.