I know that my posts are often silly, but I like to keep things unpredictable around here because it is the way I am in life. Today I feel the need to address something that is on the serious side, because it is something that affects many women (and men,) but is not openly talked about. I'm speaking of depression.
As you all probably know, I've been taking Lexapro for about 18 months and it has helped me better cope with my anxiety and stress. I was reluctant to take anything to help me, because of the stigmas placed on people who medicate for mood disorders. I just knew that people would think I was a nut job. Then, I got to the point where I had to callus myself to what others thought and get the help I needed. Many women are in the same boat, I know. I also know how it feels to be on the other side of the fence and think that mood disorders were all a big lie and people should be able to control it through prayer and determination. I was wrong.
I know how it feels to be told that I used my grief over my grandpa's death to create drama. It was like a slap in the face. Here I was, already struggling to fight my depression and then the person who I was closest to, passed away. It was an indescribable ocean of sorrow and emptiness that I swam in, for months. Every time I thought I was over the worst, something else would happen and it would pull me back under in the strong currents. The only thing that kept me from wanting to die was my children and husband. It was real...it was uncontrollable and it was not something that the rest of the world could see. To them, I was Kadi, the girl who had changed for the worse. My blog got blamed, my appearance on Supernanny and some other things, for my uncharacteristic behavior. Nothing I could say would make people understand where I was and what I was battling.
I look back on the last year and wish that I could have found the voice to speak out in my own defense, or to make people understand that I was hurting beyond a simple explanation. I feel that I am over the worst. I feel stronger, better, more stable than I have been in a long while. For others though, they are still in that undertow, being tossed in the waves. They struggle to gasp for air, to find a shred of hope. It is a very real condition. It is every bit as consuming and deathly as any disease. It is not made up and it is not something to criticize. I see that now. My eyes were opened to the plight of so many women, by being able to experience it myself. I feel blessed for that and compelled to share it with all of you, in hopes of creating a greater sense of understanding and compassion for those who suffer the same.
I am praying for those of you who are in such a place. I am not writing this to shame those who do not understand. I know how difficult it is to comprehend something that is not easily communicated or seen. I only want to shed light on the matter and encourage compassion for people who suffer from depression and other mood disorders.
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I really appreciate this post. I fortunately haven't suffered from depression, but after having 2 babies in 2 years and moving once a year for 3 years, my anxiety was unbearable. It came in waves throughout the day and was completely unmanageable and left me feeling frustrated and hopeless. I was someone who always thought that a person could conquer anxiety and depression through taking control of their thoughts and positive thinking and therapy. Boy, was I wrong. You cannot control the chemical levels in your brain with positive thinking. After much consideration, I talked to my doctor about it and she prescribed me Lexapro. It was been 3 1/2 months and I feel "normal" again. I truly hope that other people can read about what you have gone through and get the courage to seek help. Thanks again for writing that.
Stephanie
I am a luker, but this post really made me comment.
Instead of me, it is my daughter, who is suffering from depression. She is 14. We are looking into help for her. I am from the old school of "suck it up" I now realize she tries to, but cant. Thank you for letting others know, that we are not in this battle alone.
I know exactly what you are saying...Once you get over the worst of it you will know how to handle it if it ever gets that bad again, in fact you won't let it get that bad, you will learn to manage and control it.
I'm glad you got help when you did!
There is no shame in seeking help!
I know, because I too have suffered depression.
Loss is difficult ...
I apologize for the ignorance, of whomever spoke to you the way they did, after your Grandfather's passing.
Hang in their kiddo!!!
God Bless You!!!
Way to tell your story and educate your readers. Glad you are feeling better.
Thank you for this post, Kadi. I too am a medicated mama. Most of my family is aware, but there are members who aren't that say things and do things that really hurt and I know they wouldn't understand if they knew.
For the longest time I swimming in an ocean of mood swings, anxious feelings, and lots of feelings I didn't understand. I have felt some, or all, of those things for as long as I can remember, but never did anything about it. About a year ago I went to the doctor for a check-up (I hadn't been for a regular physical since I was 18 and I am now 29), but was still too scared to tell him how I felt. I was scared to death he would commit me or turn me into DSS for being a bad parent, or something. After about 9 months I finally got brave enough and he is helping me through this.
I am so glad I finally reached out. I was so scared my friends/family would think I was "crazy" because I needed meds. Then I realized it's really no ones business who knows except mine. I hope that any other moms in situations like our will reach out and get the help they need. It really can, and does, make you feel better.
Sorry for this ramble on your post.
Thanks Kadi--Love, Christy
If there is any place for rambling...this is it!! Everyone is welcomed and encouraged to share their views and stories here. I love to read them all. It helps me more than anyone! :)
Good for you for being strong enough to say to hell with those that do not understand and judge wrongly and getting the help you need. It is very hard to do that. I know I have had friends that flat out told me that I was the reason for my anxiety and depression and that I could "snap out of it" basically, if I wanted to. They have no idea and hopefully never will, that is really is beyond you, something you cannot just change your mind about and overcome it like that. It is real and serious and sometimes it means needing medical assistance.
Wow!
Kadi, your words have spoken for so many who can't seem to bring themselves to their own realization (I'm one of them), and you've opened the door to bring light to real issues mothers, women, people, face every day.
Thank You!!!
It is a very real thing and I was totally against medication, but decided it was best for me at the time. I grew up with a mom who has suffered from depression and anxiety her whole life so this is no stranger to me. Many things have occurred in my short lifetime that would make most lose their minds. The final straw was my husband being in Iraq, which I have mentioned I really struggled with before. We both had an incredibly hard time dealing with being in the military and we both sought help and started on antidepressants. I do think they helped, but they also made me lethargic and sort of un-feeling. I eventually weened myself off of them after about a year or so of being on them. I still struggle daily and with the pregnancy hormones running rampantly through me, let's just say some days are definitely more of a hurdle than others to remain upbeat and chipper. But I do not know how we would have been if we hadn't taken something. I think it did help for sure. I could never judge now, as I did before, because I have watched my mom, my friends, myself and my husband go through it and it does not make us weak because we have chosen to get help and better ourselves. Prayer of course always helps too.
What a wonderful post. I am so grateful for this post to see that I am not the only one that feels like that. I wish everyone could understand what it is like to suffer from this. I have been accused of lying about depression recently and it was like a slap in the face. That is just something you don't lie about. What a wonderfully written post. thank you so much for sharing and the very sweet emails you have sent.
{raises hand} Medicated Mama here! THANK YOU KADI! It really does help to know I am not alone
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