Silence Of The Mams

That is...mammaries. We're talkin' boobs. Men love 'em, women have 'em (most anyway) and doctors implant 'em. I had to have mine implanted because I did not fall under the "women have 'em" category. I know what you're thinking, "OMG! She's acutally talking about her breast implants! Isn't she embarrassed?" Let me answer that: no. I've shared my puke, medication and less than perfect moments with all of you. I've acutally gone as far as putting my parental short comings on display for the whole damn nation to view. Do you really think that talking about my boobs is one of those off limit subjects? Well, you thought wrong. I don't think I have any off limit subjects, come to think of it. So here it is. My list of things you never knew you wanted to know about me and my fake boobs:

1. I call them my "boobn'ts" because they are not really boobs, just implants.

2. They are always cold. My whole body could be feverish, and my boobs would stay a cool 60 degrees. They only get warm when I'm in hot water. Weird, I know.

3. If I flex my pectoral muscles, they move out and upwards. It looks really, really freaky.

4. I will never be able to forget that they are merely silicone implants and not the real things.

5. I secretly wonder if my husband thinks the same thing when he touches them. Like, "Ewwwww...these are so cold and unnatural." Or something along those lines.

6. I was scared to DEATH to get them put in. I read all of those horrid tales of boobs gone wrong.

7. At first, I thought that they looked diamond shaped and I cried and called myself the mutant boob woman.

8. I am not bothered by people who berate women with implants. I know that if they had been in my shoes, that they would feel much differently. It is not fun to have your bra slip up over your chest every time you raise your arms. Or to have to pick up those fake bra inserts every time you bend over and they fall out.

9. I do not feel like I need to fix other things now that I've gotten implants. I really do like my body and know that everything else can be improved with exercise.

10. At first, I was afraid that the change was so noticable that I was being stared at. But I soon realized that I'm always stared at. Not because my boobs, but because I have seven kids as my entourage.

So there you have it. My own personal boobn't facts. It's taboo, it's frowned upon and it's one of the "breast" decisions I've ever made!