I'd like to think that I am a person of my word. But when it comes to parenting...I'm full of crap. I never say what I mean or mean what I say. I realized this the other day as I was screaming at the top of my lungs and not one child acknowledged my threats of going to bed without dinner. Even Reed rolled his eyes at me...and he's not even 2 yet. "They know I'm full of it," I told myself. They have learned that one tenth of what I utter is actually parental truth. The rest is just fluff and outright bullshit. So exactly what kinds of verbal feces am I spewing to make these kids give me as much credibility as the public gives O.J. Simpson. I've compiled a list of the top ten things I say, and what I really mean. (F=falsehood and T=the truth behind the lie):
1. F= Nobody is getting a treat at the store, unless you behave.
T= Even if you act like little hellish beasts, everybody will end up getting the mega size bag of
teeth rotting sour candy, only because I do not want to deal with seven screaming children.
2. F= These are tears of joy.
T= These are tears of self pity and despair, because I'm wondering what I did to deserve the torture you kids so whole heartedly inflict upon me day after day.
3. F= If you don't stop it, I'm gonna whoop ass and take names.
T= I'm totally bluffing. I have no intention of getting off the couch and actually following through.
4. F= I'm not angry that you spilled, it was just an accident.
T= I'm freakin' pissed that you spilled and if it wasn't cruelty, I'd make you lick it off the floor!
5. F= You look adorable in that outfit that grandma gave you!
T= Holy crap, someone call the dork patrol. We have a serious fashion violation here!
6. F= Daddy and I are not arguing, we are just having a loud discussion.
T= Daddy and I want to choke each other but are restraining ourselves in front of you.
7. F= I am going out for coffee because I just need some quiet time.
T= I am going out for coffee because I do not have enough gas in the car to drive to Vegas, become a showgirl and never look back!
8. F= Your painting looks just like a giraffe!
T= Yes, it would look like a giraffe if I was on acid and only had 5% of my vision left.
9. F= Don't' worry, the shot is not going to hurt a bit.
T= Oh shit, brace yourself while I leave the room and plug my ears!
10. F= I always love being your mommy. It is the best job in the world.
T= I love being your mommy when you are asleep and not destroying the house or beating up your siblings. It is the best job (for someone like me, only because I can't be fired.) In fact, I suck at this gig so bad, that I'm surprised that you all don't voluntarily go to a foster home. Now I know why some kids grow up to be such screwed up adults...they had moms like me!
** now, before you all leave me mean comments about how terrible this is, relax. This is just an overly exaggerated post that I write in jest. (well, most of it anyway.) For more fun and wonderful posts, visit the people who don't suck at what they do, by clicking here!
3 guests at the inn:
Funny, Kadi! I like to tell my kids that hands are not for hitting your brother and sister, when what I'd really like to say is, "Go ahead and start whaling on each other and beat each other to a pulp!" Then maybe I can have some peace and quiet for a little bit!!
my father in law always told me, "don't wake the enemy" referring to letting sleeping children lie. before i had kids, i thought he was an asshole. now i completely understand.
If it makes you feel any better, I went through this daily for a few years, but with my job. The difference is, I've been able to start over with new kids every September and tighten up my bullshit. The kids this year have NO idea that I used to be full of crap. Yeah, now that I read that over, it probably doesn't make you feel better AT ALL. Sorry...
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