Confessions Of A Hopelessly Clueless Mother

How do you know when you've reached a place in motherhood, that qualifies you to join the ranks of the "Hopelessly Clueless Mother Brigade?" Here are some telltale signs, that I'm beginning to think make me eligible to run for President:

1. I was completely unaware that my sons had sneaked into the neighbor's yard, and helped themselves to his pool. The only reason I found out about it, was because of another neighbor's odd and kind of creepy spying from her second story window. She claims to have seen it by chance, but the binocular marks around her eyes lead be to believe otherwise.
2. Numerous times, I have been loading up my van with groceries, and a store clerk brings me a child that I forgot to transfer to the new basket. I am pretty sure that the clerks suspect it is intentional, by now. **Hey...that is a good threat, "You'd better behave, or I'm leaving you in the grocery cart and going home!"
3. Sometimes, I am trying to diaper a kid, and I realize that I'm putting on the same dirty diaper that I just took off...duh.
4. I have been lecturing one of the kids on the dangers of (fill in the blank), and really starting to lay into him, when the child informs me that he is not the offender in question. Often, it takes a couple of tries before I get to the right person.
5. I have poured so many wrong things into my morning coffee, and not realized it until I took that first big gulp. One time it was dish soap, and I felt like Alfalfa in that "Little Rascals" episode. So I sang a couple of lines just to see if bubbles would really come out.
6. I have gotten baby poop on my hands, without my knowledge, and then picked food out my teeth, only to realize that the bad smell was not my breath.
7. I have popped a handful of popcorn into my mouth, realized it was soggy from previously being in someone else's mouth, and just continued to eat it, hoping it wasn't the dog's .
8. I have gotten dressed, when in a hurry, then realized that the shirt I put on had huge, circular breast milk stains on the front, after I was already out in public. Mooooooo!
9. I have removed my nursing cover up, to switch sides, and forgotten that my boob was still hanging out. I use the word "hanging" very loosely. I really mean resting on the mall bench I was sitting on, for all to see. Many people were permanently scarred that day.
10. I have started yelling frantically for a lost child in a public place, only to hear them say, "Mom, I'm right here, holding your hand." Then I bribe that child with candy to act like they were actually gone, just to keep me from looking like a total idiot.
11. I have scooped up a baby, pulled up my shirt, and then noticed that it was not the child that still nurses. The poor kid always looks bewildered, as if they have no recollection of our precious mother-child lactational bond. (I'm pretty sure that "lactational" not a word.) They usually look at me funny for the rest of the day.
12. I have administered a dose of medicine to the wrong child more times than I care to remember.
13. I have called a certain child's teacher to check up on their behavior and progress. After a few minutes, the teacher suggests that I call that child's teacher. So I pretend that I am just testing their ability to remember who is on their roll sheet. They usually laugh, but probably hang up and make a mental note of "Mrs. Prescott's mental retardation," and then never call me to chaperon field trips.
14. I have gone out in public, many times, with crusty barf or banana mush on my shoulder, and had to find a dressing room (I refuse to go into public restrooms) to turn my shirt inside out. Can someone please invent a reversible shirt for mindless mothers?
15. Speaking of public restrooms, I have peed in a empty water bottle hundreds of times, in the back of my van, just to avoid having to use a public restroom. One time a kid yelled, "Mom, a cop is walking up to the van!" I was so panicked that I moved the bottle just enough to pee all over myself. What's worse, we still had one more errand that had to be run before we could return home.